The Federal government announced today new measures to crack down on what it calls, “the rampant use of witchcraft to pirate movies, tv shows and music”.

“Lets face it,” said a government insider,” no one in the government has the slightest idea how people are obtaining all this media for free so the only logical conclusion is that it’s witchcraft.”

The government has been in damage control over piracy ever since it was brought to their attention, but there is a distinct lack of understanding of the technology used.

“Senator Brandis still doesn’t understand how books can be read on a computer,” said our source from within the government. “Minister Turnbull tried to explain eBooks to him and how his entire bookcase could be stored on a device that could fit in the palm of his hand, but had to stop when Senator Brandis started to convulse and foam at the mouth.

Minister Bernardi makes the sign of the cross and spits on the floor every time the Internet is mentioned. But then he does the same thing whenever he sees Minister Wong.”

The government has called in experts in the field to help them with the problem of piracy.

“Well we spoke to Timmy, the son of Mr Pyne’s neighbour as he owns a computer and an X-Box,” said one backbencher, “and he said that we should look at getting a filter. We’re not really sure what a filter is but Timmy will be writing an in depth explanation of it for us just as soon as he finishes his homework.”

Internet, Piracy, Witchcraft