Prime Mister Tony Abbott today announced that not only is coal good for humanity but it’s also possibly a life saver.

“We’ve appointed our last remaining government scientist to investigate the healing properties of coal,” said the PM. “It’s entirely possible the cure for cancer is locked up inside coal, frankly I’m surprised that science hasn’t though of investigating it earlier.”

The federal government is not stopping there though, announcing a new schools scheme that should see every school child across the nation receiving a small chunk of coal with every tuck shop lunch.

“The children are our future,” said the current minister for education, Christopher Pyne. “and what better way to ensure our coal has a future than to get the kids to live, eat and breath coal?”

Christopher Pyne

coal coal coal