Bill Shorten accidentally reads legislation he agreed to pass.

Bill-Shorten

Leader of the Opposition, Bill Shorten, Has expressed doubts about supporting the new Terrorism Laws.

“It’s not that we don’t care about the threat of Terrorism,” said Mr Shorten, “it’s just that we sort of forgot to read the laws before we agreed to pass them. Now that I have read some of it I think we may have made a bit of a mistake.”

One Labor insider gives more details. “It’s not our fault, the Government told us we had to sign if we wanted to be liked by everyone,” he said. “But it turns out they were telling fibs.”

Self proclaimed adult, Prime Minister Tony Abbott responded to Mr Shorten saying, “There’s no do overs here, you pinkie swore that you would agree with us and if you back out now we’ll have no choice but to give you all Indian rope burns.”

At the moment the opposition is seeking legal opinion on keeping your fingers crossed behind your back when signing legislation.

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Coal is the new coal

Coal

Prime Mister Tony Abbott today announced that not only is coal good for humanity but it’s also possibly a life saver.

“We’ve appointed our last remaining government scientist to investigate the healing properties of coal,” said the PM. “It’s entirely possible the cure for cancer is locked up inside coal, frankly I’m surprised that science hasn’t though of investigating it earlier.”

The federal government is not stopping there though, announcing a new schools scheme that should see every school child across the nation receiving a small chunk of coal with every tuck shop lunch.

“The children are our future,” said the current minister for education, Christopher Pyne. “and what better way to ensure our coal has a future than to get the kids to live, eat and breath coal?”

Christopher Pyne

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Bananas in Pyjamas Face Budget Cuts.

fi_bananas

The famous ABC twosome loved by Aussie kids everywhere are the latest victim of budget cuts at the ABC. Mark Scott, the CEO of the ABC said, “with the reduction of funding for the ABC we have to find savings where ever we can, and the iconic uniform for B1 and B2 was far too expensive. So instead we went down the local thrift shop and picked out something affordable.”

It didn’t stop there though. In further cost savings measures the two actors that played the Bananas were retrenched.

“We just couldn’t afford real actors,” said Mr Scott, “so instead we used Work for the Dole participants. In fact we managed to get a deal from Centrelink, three for the price of two, so now we have B1, B2 and B3.”

Bananas

The new Banana trio was revealed outside the main entrance to Parliament house and were instantly mobbed by an admiring press.

“Yeah, I’m not sure this is going to work,” said one news cameraman, “but it’s the ABC and if anyone can pull this off it’s them.”

Press Mob Bananas

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Kiwis beat Aussies in game no one cares about.

soccer-ball

Yesterday the New Zealand team beat the Australian team in a game some people are calling “Rugby League”. Investigative journalists have been trolling Google in an effort to find out what “Rugby League” is and if they should care about it.

In other news Pakistan defeated Australia in another game that may or may not be called “Cricket”. Reports of this game being slightly more important than “Rugby League” have not been confirmed as yet, however the ABC is considering sending a reporter to Pakistan on the off chance that it may be something of interest.

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Protesters boycott air

cloudySky2

Anti – Halal protesters have announced they will stepping up there campaign. Said one spokesman, “we have been diligent in rooting out all examples of Halal in our community and so we have employed an expert in Islam to help guide us in our endeavours.”

It was a move that had an immediate and disturbing result.

“We found out through our Islam expert that apparently air is considered to to be Halal safe,” said the spokesman. “So in protest against this obviously corrupt certification process our members will no longer be parting of any air, whatsoever.”

Membership of the Anti-Halal movement is expected to drop dramatically.

 

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Government announces Turn Back Ebola policy.

EBOLA

The federal government has announced today their policy for protecting Australia from Ebola. Said the Prime Minister, “After the success of stopping illegal maritime arrivals through Operation Sovereign Borders we felt this was the next natural step.”

The task for stopping Ebola from reaching our shores has been handed to Minister for Immigration, Scott Morrison.
Scott_Morrison
“I’m more than willing to take this task on,” said Mr Morrison. “We managed to stop people smugglers from getting their clients to our shores, stopping a virus should be a piece of cake. We are already in negotiations with Cambodia to take any Ebola that tries to reach our shores.”

Some backbenchers are quietly pleased with the task to stop Ebola being given to Minister Morrison. Said one backbencher, “When it comes to dealing with horrible viruses that kill people in hideous ways the first person I thought of was Scott Morrison.”

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Rare Tasmanian Tree Frog Found

JacquiFrog

Biologists in Tasmania have announced they have have discovered a rare tree frog in the wilds of Tasmania. “The frog does have some distinctive colouration, mainly a large band of yellow around the neck” said one excited scientist, “but it doesn’t appear to have any effect on it’s mating ritual.”

The ritual itself involves the female frog choosing a partner that has the largest nest and genitalia. But that’s not the strangest thing about this new frog.

“It has to do with it’s very distinctive croaking. For some reason a lot of other frogs in the forest find it offensive and shun this particular frog, even though they have no idea what it is saying. In fact we think it’s possible that even the frog itself has no idea what it is saying.”

Biologists have decided to name it the Jacqui Frog.

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All your governments are belong to Morrison

assimilated

It has been announced today that the Minister for Immigration, Scott Morrison, has finally achieved his goal of taking over the entire government. “We are very happy that Mr Morrison has taken over our souls,” proclaimed a more wooden than usual PM. “It’s really for the best.”

Backbenchers however are not as supportive of the new Morrison government. “It’s crazy,” said one backbencher. “We came in this morning and the entire front bench had this vacant stare while mumbling ‘Scott is our leader’. Normally there’s no mumbling.”

When asked for a comment Minister Morrison replied, “We don’t discuss assimilation matters.”

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Government to recognise Whitlam achievements.

Whitlam

The federal government today announced a tribute to the late Gough Whitlam.

“Mr Whitlam did a great deal of progressive things in this country,” said the Minister for public announcements. “He truly was a stand out amongst his Labor Party peers, he’s the sort of person the Labor Party needs. So in an effort to show the country just how much he has done we shall wind back everything he achieved.”

whitlamdismissle

“To that end the federal government will be removing universal health care, increasing the cost of education, reducing social welfare payments, screwing over indigenous Australians and breaking things off with China.”

“It’s only because of the great achievements of Mr Whitlam that we can even do this to Australia, we have a lot to thank him for.”

Gough Whitlam

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Abbott and Putin jello wrestling at G20.

jello

It was announced today by the office of the Prime Minister that arrangements had been made for Mr Abbott and Mr Putin to compete in a winner take all wrestling match during the upcoming G20 summit in Brisbane, QLD.

“We’re all very excited about the match,” said one parliamentary insider. “And the addition of jello to the mix just makes it that little bit better.”

Mr Abbott is likely to be the underdog in this competition due to Mr Putin being an expert in several martial arts, including bear wrestling. However Mr Abbott is not put off by this. When asked about his opponents skills he replied, “Well that may well be, may well be, but I’ll tell you I have the full support of Team Australia, Team Australia, and with that sort of support how could I possibly lose?”

There has been some controversy though with supplies of the jello being sourced from overseas instead of using local manufacturers. Union representative for the Australian Jello Workers Union stated, “This is typical of this government to overlook local jello suppliers for cheap and inferior off shore products. Australia makes some of the best jello in the world and this is quite a snub for us.”

The match is expected to be televised live on Foxtel.

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