It has been announced today that the Minister for Immigration, Scott Morrison, has finally achieved his goal of taking over the entire government. “We are very happy that Mr Morrison has taken over our souls,” proclaimed a more wooden than usual PM. “It’s really for the best.”
Backbenchers however are not as supportive of the new Morrison government. “It’s crazy,” said one backbencher. “We came in this morning and the entire front bench had this vacant stare while mumbling ‘Scott is our leader’. Normally there’s no mumbling.”
When asked for a comment Minister Morrison replied, “We don’t discuss assimilation matters.”
The federal government today announced a tribute to the late Gough Whitlam.
“Mr Whitlam did a great deal of progressive things in this country,” said the Minister for public announcements. “He truly was a stand out amongst his Labor Party peers, he’s the sort of person the Labor Party needs. So in an effort to show the country just how much he has done we shall wind back everything he achieved.”
“To that end the federal government will be removing universal health care, increasing the cost of education, reducing social welfare payments, screwing over indigenous Australians and breaking things off with China.”
“It’s only because of the great achievements of Mr Whitlam that we can even do this to Australia, we have a lot to thank him for.”
It was announced today by the office of the Prime Minister that arrangements had been made for Mr Abbott and Mr Putin to compete in a winner take all wrestling match during the upcoming G20 summit in Brisbane, QLD.
“We’re all very excited about the match,” said one parliamentary insider. “And the addition of jello to the mix just makes it that little bit better.”
Mr Abbott is likely to be the underdog in this competition due to Mr Putin being an expert in several martial arts, including bear wrestling. However Mr Abbott is not put off by this. When asked about his opponents skills he replied, “Well that may well be, may well be, but I’ll tell you I have the full support of Team Australia, Team Australia, and with that sort of support how could I possibly lose?”
There has been some controversy though with supplies of the jello being sourced from overseas instead of using local manufacturers. Union representative for the Australian Jello Workers Union stated, “This is typical of this government to overlook local jello suppliers for cheap and inferior off shore products. Australia makes some of the best jello in the world and this is quite a snub for us.”
The match is expected to be televised live on Foxtel.