The federal government has announced today their policy for protecting Australia from Ebola. Said the Prime Minister, “After the success of stopping illegal maritime arrivals through Operation Sovereign Borders we felt this was the next natural step.”
The task for stopping Ebola from reaching our shores has been handed to Minister for Immigration, Scott Morrison.
“I’m more than willing to take this task on,” said Mr Morrison. “We managed to stop people smugglers from getting their clients to our shores, stopping a virus should be a piece of cake. We are already in negotiations with Cambodia to take any Ebola that tries to reach our shores.”
Some backbenchers are quietly pleased with the task to stop Ebola being given to Minister Morrison. Said one backbencher, “When it comes to dealing with horrible viruses that kill people in hideous ways the first person I thought of was Scott Morrison.”
Biologists in Tasmania have announced they have have discovered a rare tree frog in the wilds of Tasmania. “The frog does have some distinctive colouration, mainly a large band of yellow around the neck” said one excited scientist, “but it doesn’t appear to have any effect on it’s mating ritual.”
The ritual itself involves the female frog choosing a partner that has the largest nest and genitalia. But that’s not the strangest thing about this new frog.
“It has to do with it’s very distinctive croaking. For some reason a lot of other frogs in the forest find it offensive and shun this particular frog, even though they have no idea what it is saying. In fact we think it’s possible that even the frog itself has no idea what it is saying.”
Biologists have decided to name it the Jacqui Frog.
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It has been announced today that the Minister for Immigration, Scott Morrison, has finally achieved his goal of taking over the entire government. “We are very happy that Mr Morrison has taken over our souls,” proclaimed a more wooden than usual PM. “It’s really for the best.”
Backbenchers however are not as supportive of the new Morrison government. “It’s crazy,” said one backbencher. “We came in this morning and the entire front bench had this vacant stare while mumbling ‘Scott is our leader’. Normally there’s no mumbling.”
When asked for a comment Minister Morrison replied, “We don’t discuss assimilation matters.”
The federal government today announced a tribute to the late Gough Whitlam.
“Mr Whitlam did a great deal of progressive things in this country,” said the Minister for public announcements. “He truly was a stand out amongst his Labor Party peers, he’s the sort of person the Labor Party needs. So in an effort to show the country just how much he has done we shall wind back everything he achieved.”
“To that end the federal government will be removing universal health care, increasing the cost of education, reducing social welfare payments, screwing over indigenous Australians and breaking things off with China.”
“It’s only because of the great achievements of Mr Whitlam that we can even do this to Australia, we have a lot to thank him for.”
It was announced today by the office of the Prime Minister that arrangements had been made for Mr Abbott and Mr Putin to compete in a winner take all wrestling match during the upcoming G20 summit in Brisbane, QLD.
“We’re all very excited about the match,” said one parliamentary insider. “And the addition of jello to the mix just makes it that little bit better.”
Mr Abbott is likely to be the underdog in this competition due to Mr Putin being an expert in several martial arts, including bear wrestling. However Mr Abbott is not put off by this. When asked about his opponents skills he replied, “Well that may well be, may well be, but I’ll tell you I have the full support of Team Australia, Team Australia, and with that sort of support how could I possibly lose?”
There has been some controversy though with supplies of the jello being sourced from overseas instead of using local manufacturers. Union representative for the Australian Jello Workers Union stated, “This is typical of this government to overlook local jello suppliers for cheap and inferior off shore products. Australia makes some of the best jello in the world and this is quite a snub for us.”
The match is expected to be televised live on Foxtel.